Band Geeks
by Sovereign64
Summary: Byakuya needs to form a band to impress his rival gin ichimaru. Can he do it? Parody of a Spongebob Squarepants episode. ONESHOT


_**Band Geeks**_

One day, a man with long hair with three strands of hair dangling in front of his left eye and wears a white coat and black shinigami robes is at his home playing his clarinet. His name was Byakuya kuchiki. He plays his clarinet until someone rings the doorbell. Byakuya walks over to the door and opens it, revealing a doctor named Cain.

"Hello there, I'm Dr. Cain and I do believe you got a dying pet in your house who needs immediate medical attention." Cain said. Byakuya then angrily slams the door. Just then, his phone rang. Byakuya walks over bored and answers it.

"Hi there. I'm Byakuya kuchiki who doesn't want to be bothered right now. Please leave your message after the…" Byakuya then blows his clarinet into the phone.

"Hello Byakuya, how are you?" A man with grey hair, paper-slit thin eyes and wears white robes and a light blue hakama said to Byakuya slyly on the other line of the phone. Byakuya gasps and widens his eyes. It's Gin Ichimaru, his arch rival from high school.

"Gin! Wha…what do you want to talk to me about?" Byakuya said.

"Well, I just want to say that my music band will be playing at the Superbowl this Tuesday, however most of my music band members felt ill, so I want your music band to perform at Superbowl instead." gin said.

"My..my, my, my……music band?" Byakuya was dumbfounded.

"Oops, I'm sorry. I forgot. You don't have a music band because you're just a cash register, so I'm sorry, I gotta go." Gin said with a smirk and he was just about to hang up the phone when suddenly Byakuya snapped.

"HOLD IT! I just so happen to have a music band and I will perform at the Superbowl this Tuesday!"

"Well good luck, Bya-loser. Bye." Gin laughed and hangs up the phone. Byakuya puts down the phone as well.

"Right, I gotta form up a band!" Byakuya said to himself.

* * *

The next day……..

Rukia Kuchiki was walking along the road when she noticed a poster on the lamppost.

"What?" Rukia said and she reads the poster. "Do you want to learn how to play music?"

Meanwhile……..

"And learn how to play as a band?" Ichigo Kurosaki said while reading the poster on the newspaper.

Meanwhile……….

"Then come on down to the Karakura Town music academy tonight." Sosuke Aizen said while reading the poster that is paste on the bakery window.

Meanwhile…………

"First fifty students get FREE food!" Uryu Ishida said happily while reading the poster on the town notice board.

Meanwhile……..

"Class starts at seven o' clock." Yasutora 'Chad' Sado said while reading the poster on the mailbox.

That night………….

Byakuya was driving his car and he looks at his watch, the watch says 7:30 PM.

"Dammit, stupid traffic jams!" Byakuya said angrily.

When he arrived at the academy, Byakuya then walks into the music academy. The academy was filled with lots of people and citizens of Karakura Town. There was Ichigo, Rukia, Uryu, Inoue, Chad, Renji, Toshiro, Hinamori, Yoruichi, Kisuke, Soifon, kenpachi, Aizen, Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Tosen, and many others.

"Blah blah blah blah blah…" The people in the class all mindlessly said. After Byakuya stands at the front of the class, he yelled out.

"Okay! Everybody listen up." Everybody then stops talking each other and sat in silence.

"Okay, first, I want to say, thank you all for coming and attend my music class. Now, does anyone know what a musical instrument is?" Byakuya said.

"Is a sword a musical instrument?" Yoruichi said while rising up her hand.

"No, Yoruichi, a sword is not a musical instrument." Byakuya deadpanned.

"Is a hollow a musical instrument?" Aizen said while rising up his hand.

"No, Aizen, a hollow is not an instrument."

"Is a turnip a musical instrument?" Renji said while rising up his hand.

"No, turnip is not a musical instrument either Renji." Byakuya said, rolling his eyes. Renji puts down his hand and he raises his hand again.

"Horse radish is not a musical instrument either." Byakuya said. Renji puts down his hand again.

"As you can see, none of you has ever played a musical instrument. Fortunately, I got some music for all of you!" Byakuya then slaps his leg and laughs maniacally. Of course, nobody laughs. After Byakuya stops laughing for a while, Uryu spoke up.

"When do we get the free food?" Uryu said.

"Okay, first let's warm up a little. Trumpets!" Byakuya said and he points to the trumpet players.

Inoue, Uryu and Kenpachi blow their trumpets.

"Now the flutes!" Byakuya said and points at the flute players.

Toshiro, Hinamori and Izuru blow their flutes.

"Now the drums!" Byakuya said and points at the drum players.

Ichigo, Rukia and Renji tried to blow their drumsticks and they accidentally spit so hard that the drumsticks shoot at Byakuya and he is now hanged onto the wall with the drumsticks.

"Too bad that didn't kill me." Byakuya deadpanned.

* * *

Later……….

"Okay now I want everybody to stand in straight rows of five." Byakuya said with a grin.

"Oh oh, is this the part where we start kicking each other?" Ichigo said eagerly as he rises up his hand in glee.

"No, Ichigo, this is not the part where we start kicking each other." Byakuya said.

"Kicking? I wanna do some kicking!" Renji yelled. He then kicks Rukia's leg, making her yelp in pain.

"Ow! Why you…!" Rukia said angrily.

"Uh-oh." Renji said. Rukia started chasing him, and Renji tries to run away from her. He and Rukia ran out of the class. Then a while later…

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!" Everybody could hear Renji's yell from inside of the class. Everybody including Byakuya stares at the door in silence.

Then a while later, the door open.

"Anyone who hates looking at injured people, you may not like this." Renji said as he pokes his head out from the door. Then he walks in and had a trumpet stuck in his throat and he walks over his chair and when he sits down, he honks.

Day 2………..

Byakuya is now teaching the students how to march.

"Okay that's right people, you're doing great! That's it that's it." Byakuya said and they continued marching. Everybody played their respective musical instruments while Szayel and Nnoitra were twirling their batons.

"C'mon, Szayel and Nnoitra, you can do better than that! Faster, faster, faster!" Byakuya yelled at Szayel and Nnoitra. The two men then twirled their batons so fast until they fly up in the air. Everybody was watching them fly including Byakuya.

Szayel and Nnoitra both fly up until they hit a blimp and the blimp exploded in the air.

After the explosion, Soifon played a funeral song with her trumpet while the others closed their eyes and stand in silence. Byakuya fell down to his knees in regret.

Day 3…………

"So Kon, have you mastered the harmonica yet?" Byakuya asked.

"You got it Byakuya!" Kon said as he salutes. He then blows his harmonica. But after he blows the harmonica, he took a deep breath. He then blows the harmonica again, but then he stops and pants heavily again. He then blows his harmonica three more times. But he stops and breaths heavily again. Finally, he blows his harmonica one last time before he runs out of breath and collapses to the ground.

Day 4………………..

"Okay people, this is the last day before the big day! And I can see a few of you people haven't mastered your instruments yet." Byakuya said, cocking a brow.

Kisuke Urahara was chewing his trumpet frantically like an animal. Uryu, Inoue and Mayuri Kurotsuchi inch away from the crazy old man.

"Okay now, you all know that people yell if they want to act smart, right?" Byakuya asked.

"CORRECT!" Grimmjow shouted in agreement.

"Okay so, let's play loudly shall we? Everyone ready?" Byakuya asked.

Everybody got ready with their instruments as they all smile.

"And a one, and a two, and a one two three four………." Byakuya said.

Then everybody blow their instruments so loudly until the windows of the building broke into pieces and Byakuya had his hair blown up and his coat and robes got torn.

"Okay, let's play so quietly that no one can hear us." Byakuya said.

"Well maybe we wouldn't sound so badly if some people don't have big fat hands!" Ichigo yelled angrily.

"What did you say, punk?" Kenpachi asked angrily as he glared at Ichigo.

"BIG FAT HANDS!" Ichigo yelled at Kenpachi.

"Oh yeah, while at least these fat hands are good enough to make a blue eye." Kenpachi said venomously.

"Bring it on, old man!" Ichigo demanded as he gestures Kenpachi to fight with him. Kenpachi and Ichigo then glared and grit their teeth at each other.

"Now now people, you don't wanna make a scene around here." Rukia said, trying to stop Ichigo and Kenpachi from fighting each other.

"Oh! So now Miss little puny girl is talking!" Soifon interrupted. Everybody then started quarrelling each other as well.

"Now now, people, let's all take deep breaths and relax." Byakuya said nervously.

"Take that!" Ikkaku yelled to Ulquiorra and punches him at the face. Everybody then started fighting each other too.

"Now now, people relax!" Byakuya shouted, trying to get everybody's attention.

Kaien Shiba and Jushiro Ukitake use their clarinets and fight each other. Kisuke whacks Uryu's head with his tuba while Rangiku Matsumoto wrapped her hands around Izuru Kira's neck and tries to strangle him. Kon screams as Tosen chases him with a drumstick in his hand.

"Take it easy on the instruments! They are private property!" Byakuya yelled to no prevail.

Yumichika, Shinji, Toshiro, Shunsui and Hanataro stomps on Aizen mercilessly who was on the ground.

"Please! Don't injure yourselves!" Byakuya yelled helplessly again.

Yoruichi and Soifon both charged at each other with their trumpets but when the two women went over to each other, they both yelped and Inoue slam both of them with her cymbals.

"STOP IT!" Byakuya cried.

Shusuke Amagai uses his xylophone to defend himself. But Rukia uses her drumsticks to destroy Shusuke's xylophone. Shusuke then runs away from Rukia. Then Renji runs over to Rukia and kicks her leg.

"Ow." Rukia growled at Renji and then she smirks as she took out her trumpet.

"No! Not again!" Renji cried and Rukia chases after Renji again.

Ichigo uses his drums and beat up Grimmjow continuously.

Then when the clock strikes ten o'clock, everybody suddenly stop fighting and pretend the fight never happen.

"Hey, class is over." Hinamori said happily. Everybody cheered and they all walk towards the door. Then when the class walks over to the doors, Byakuya opens the doors and stands in front of his class.

"Well you did it guys; my one chance to show my nemesis that I can be a great band conductor was ruined by you….monsters. You crushed everything into itty bitty pieces." Byakuya said and tears started falling freely from his eyes. "Don't bother showing up tomorrow." Everybody just stared at Byakuya silently. "I'll just tell him, you all die in a car accident. Goodbye. Thanks for nothing." Byakuya cried as he walks away with his head hung down.

"You're welcome." Renji said stupidly.

"What have we done?" Rukia said. Everybody turn their faces to her.

"That poor creature came to us and asks our help. And we failed to be an obedient class. Byakuya was always there when we want to learn as a marching band." Rukia said and she walks over to Kiyone Kotetsu.

"Kiyone, when you were trapped in a building that is about to collapse, who rescued you?" Rukia asked.

"A fireman." Kiyone said.

"And Chad, when you accidentally took too much suicide pills, who revived you?" Rukia asked Chad.

"Um, some guy in an ambulance." Chad said.

"Right." Rukia said as she smiled to everybody. "So if we pretend that Byakuya is a fireman or some guy in an ambulance, we can learn what it's like to be in a marching band." Rukia then clutches her hand into a fist.

"HOORAY FOR THE FIREMAN!" Grimmjow yelled. Everybody else cheered as well.

"Now let's make Byakuya proud." Rukia said seriously as she narrows her eyes. Everybody get back into their seats and get ready to play their instruments again. "And a one and a two and a skilly dilly doo."

* * *

The next day…………

Byakuya walks over to a huge round stadium sadly. "Well, here I am, at the Superbowl, I just hope……." Byakuya said in a sad tone. Then he gasps and looks shocked.

"AH! GIN DOESN'T SHOW UP! GIN AH!" Byakuya screamed as he sees Gin smirking at him inside the entrance of the Superbowl.

"Well well, Byakuya, where's your band?" Gin asked, smiling evilly.

"Um, they all died in a car accident." Byakuya said.

"Oh, then who are they?" Gin said as he points something that is behind Byakuya. Byakuya's stomach did a twist.

"AH! That would be my band!" Byakuya shouted. Ichigo, Rukia, Renji, Uryu, Inoue, Chad, Toshiro, Hinamori, Yoruichi, Kisuke, Soifon, Kenpachi, Yumichika, Ikkaku, Shunsui, Shusuke, Jushiro, Kon, Aizen, Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Tosen, Shinji, Kiyone, Hanataro, Rangiku, Mayuri, Kaien and Izuru showed up and are all dressed up in their marching band uniforms.

"Hey Byakuya, we're ready to play!" Rukia said.

"Oh dear." Byakuya said in a dying tone and he walks into the stadium with his band sadly. Gin laughs evilly as he and his band walks in.

"Well guys, this will be the last time I ever show my face in front of everybody." Byakuya said to his band while walking into the stadium.

"That's the spirit, Byakuya!" Ichigo said cheerfully.

After they walk into the field, they saw that the stadium was filled with spectators. Most of them are half naked.

"And now, put your hands together for the Karakura Town music band!" The commentator said. The crowd then cheers loudly and goes wild.

"Wow." Rukia said.

"These spectators are weird looking people." Renji said.

"Now that's the kind of people I like." Grimmjow said, smiling.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." Yoruichi said, looking like she's gonna puke.

"Okay." Byakuya said nervously as he lifts up his baton. Gin stands behind Byakuya, with a malicious smirk.

"Okay, one, two, three….." Byakuya said as he sweats frantically. "Four…" He shuts his eyes, thinking it's the end.

The trumpet players then played their trumpets beautifully. Byakuya opened his eyes is surprise.

Ulquiorra started playing the guitar and Ichigo starts singing his microphone.

Ichigo: _**Yeah,**_

_**A used…..pink bathrobe**_

_**A rare……mint snow globe**_

_**A smurf…….TV tray**_

_**I bought on Ebay**_

Byakuya smiles at his band while Yumichika started playing the drum.

_**My house…….is filled with**_

_**This crap…….shows up in**_

_**Bubble wrap……most every day**_

_**What I bought on Ebay.**_

Rukia: _**Tell me why**_

Ichigo, Toshiro, Hinamori: _**I need another pet rock.**_

Inoue: _**Tell me why**_

Ichigo, Uryu, Ikkaku: _**I got that Alf alarm clock.**_

Yoruichi: _**Tell me why**_

Ichigo, Soifon, Kenpachi: _**I**_ _**bid on Shatner's old toupee**_

Ichigo: _**They had it on Ebay**_

The spectators started clapping and dancing to the song. Byakuya smiled with his mouth wide open and throws away his baton while Gin stares dumbfound with his mouth parted slightly.

Ichigo: _**I'll buy……your knick-knack**_

_**Just check……my feedback**_

"_**A plus plus!" they all say**_

_**They love me on Ebay!**_

Rukia: _**Gonna buy!**_

Ichigo, Ulquiorra, Yumichika: _**A slightly damaged golf bag**_

Renji: _**Gonna buy!**_

Ichigo, Rangiku, Shunsui: _**Some beanie babies, new with tag.**_

Shusuke: _**From some guy**_

Ichigo, Shinji, Rangiku: _**I never met in Norway**_

Ichigo: _**Found him on Ebay!**_

Byakuya started nodding his head and the spectators started waving their hands

Ichigo: _**I am the type who is liable to snipe you**_

_**With two seconds left to go**_

Rukia, Renji, Uryu, Inoue, Chad: _**Whoa**_

Ichigo: _**Got Paypal or Visa,**_

_**Whatever'll please ya**_

_**As long as I've got**_

Ichigo and Hanataro: _**The dough!**_

Ichigo: _**I'll**__** buy……your tchotchkes**_

_**Sell me……you watch please**_

_**I'll buy**_

Kisuke: _**I'll buy**_

Yoruichi: _**I'll buy**_

Hinamori: _**I'll buy**_

Ichigo: _**I'm highest bidder!**_

The spectators cheered while Gin faint to the ground and he was dragged away by a pair of paramedics. Byakuya smiled at this and waved goodbye at Gin.

Ichigo and the others: _**Junk keeps arriving in the mail**_

_**From that worldwide garage sale**_

_**Hey! A Dukes of Hazzard ashtray!**_

_**Oh yeah, I bought it on Ebay.**_

Aizen: _**Wanna buy**_

Ichigo, Toshiro, Kon: _**A**_ _**Pac-man Fever lunchbox**_

Mayuri: _**Wanna buy**_

Ichigo, Rukia, Renji: _**A**_ _**case of vintage socks**_

Byakuya joins in

Byakuya: _**Wanna buy a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre!**_

Everybody: _**Found it on Ebay**_

Jushiro: _**Wanna buy**_

Ichigo and Byakuya: _**That Farrah Fawcett poster**_

_**Pez dispensers and a toaster**_

Inoue: _**Don't know why**_

Ichigo and Byakuya: _**The kind of stuff you throw away**_Ichigo: _**I'll buy on Ebay**_

_**What I bought on Ebay**_**.**

The spectators cheered wildly and everybody in the band took a bow. It was one of the best performances anyone has ever seen.

**THE END**

Ryo: I hope everybody enjoys that! Also, the song which Ichigo and the band sang is 'Ebay' by Weird Al Yankovic.


End file.
